For quite some time, I've been living with this person whose legal first name is Dena. I mention her pretty frequently because she has an impact on my life. She often is the very cause of my need to come here for catharsis. Today, the feelings aren't so urgent but they are still there.

She reminds me of the movie Mean Girls except she is NO Lindsay Lohan. In high school she was a loser that even losers made fun of. She did well academically, but was a misfit amongst misfits. At the time, I was not exactly Miss Popular, I had managed to make dozens of friends from all different sorts of groups. By senior year of high school, I had friends from other schools via jobs, synagogue, and mutual friends. Dena was a social outcast and I never really understood why.

I let her start to hang out with me and she became friends with some of the people I had already been spending time with. Before long, she was an integral part of one of the groups that I particpated in. Finally, she had been accepted by people, almost like magic. The funny thing is that magic wasn't to blame. I was to blame because I invited her as if she would mystically gain some sort of social prowess. She didn't, at that time, gain the ability to be a socially adjusted person. What she did do was pull personality traits and hobbies from others' and integrate them into her life as her own. No passtime was safe. Before long, Dena was in into swing dancing, pot, raves, meth, ska, joinning the military, attending Texas A & M, and many other traits learned from many different people.

As an empty shell of a human being, she instantly learns the culture and becomes part of it. The biggest problem is that sometimes people get to know her for long enough to learn that she is in fact a vapid black hole that sucks whatever it can from the target of her choice. She does not have many friends that have known her and consistently liked her... 1 or 2 at most.

A few years after high school, she became a coke addicted college drop out stripping to support her habit, her boob job, her dye job, and her rental cars. Now she feels she has turned her life around yet again, but she's still the same nasty kind of empty on the inside. Her 'fucklist' for this year that she left laying around is almost longer than a list I would make of my entire life's worth of sexual partners. For a girl, I'm at a good number too.

I asked her to stop stripping and get a real job like mine or serving tables. I asked her to stop acting like she gets to ride a high horse around when she takes off her clothes for money. She claims she isn't a whore but she sells herself for $20 a pop. If that doesn't define whore, what does?

As she avoided talking to me today, I finally realized how relieved I was. I realized that talking to her is usually stupid, annoying, and just a negative aspect of my day. I'd prefer to interact with her as little as possible. So far, she seems to have the same idea.

I don't type this with hatred or meaness. I just type for catharsis. All of this has been said to her face multiple times, even with worse diction such as "butterface" and "disease ridden whore." I'm improving my ability to not call her out on the nasty nobody she is, but it tests my restraint all the time.

I haven't checked or posted on livejournal in a while. I just signed on and saw my girlfriend posted the sweetest things. I'm pretty light headed and feeling warm all over. I did not realize that I could be this close to someone so quickly. I trust this person 100% and have a completely honest relationship. Recently we had some conversations about actions, approach, and living for a healthy future. Jessica was supportive and fullly on board. She's interested in eating healthy and taking hikes with Beamer. She and I watch The Biggest Loser together and get inspired.

Jessica was also a wonderful date to a sitar recital last week on the UT campus. She was an absolute doll for driving us there. On that topic, my care has been at the shop so Jess has been taking me everywhere to run errands and go to the doctor. Anything I need, she is so quick to jump to my aid. I have never been treated like this before.

She and I are building a strong, solid, loving, and open relationships with each other and trying to with our families and friends. I feel like a bright future is in store. Head over heels...

So I made the mistake of allowing Billye, my ex, to talk to me online. One day she asked if she could bother me and I said "sure what's up?" I may have answered and that is my fault.

She has a girlfriend. Life isn't about looks, but this girl isn't attractive in my opinion. It almost feels like Billye is codependent and needs to have someone around to blame her bad moods on. Of course she will probably end up reading this and getting hurt feelings, but honestly, I can't help but to be honest. I've held my tongue for too long.

I have a girlfriend who loves me a whole hell of a lot. She said if she ever lost me she would go through hell and high water to get me back. She tells me she is IN LOVE with me. Of course, my ex said she was in love with me and "would marry [me] someday." You never know if people's feelings change or if your own will. After all, love and hate are all just brain chemistry.

The conversation ended with me saying peace, love, and crabs. I'm DONE with her selfishness.

-- don't tell me I'm the one when you dive into any pussy you can find. (you know who I'm talking to)

I'm supposed to be studying for an art history test later and I'm supposed to be in history class right now. I was supposed to see the counselor this morning.

I didn't feel like waking up at 7:30 am to go talk to a stranger about my problems. I will reschedule and try for "not so early." My mom and some of my friends don't think that there's a need for it, but I will try it if my doctor recommends it. I don't want to have to take pills the rest of my life to be normal. In fact, the pills don't make me feel normal. I feel crazy having to take them.

Why did I get on antidepressents?

Before I met my girlfriend, Jessica, I was feeling pretty rough. My best friend for many years, Dena, was acting like her heart had moved on. She is changing and our paths are no longer convergent in any way. I knew I would be having to move out at the end of the lease. The lease ends July of 2010.

I have time to figure out what to do. Would it really be so bad to go to University of Houston and finish there? I could live at home... that might have it's downsides but I miss my family so much sometimes. I don't feel like there's enough time. This is how I get panic attacks. Had I not taken a milligram of klonopin, I think I'd be a lot more upset thinking about how I miss my family.

I talked to Billye last night online. She told me she has a new girlfriend. I KNEW that when I found that out for sure, it would make me sick. I feel like I deserved to be her girlfriend because I worked so hard for it. When she was recovering from surgery, I treated her like my baby. I know I still talk about her a lot on here but it's still a healing wound.

She apologized for taking my company for granted. I apologized for doing the same. I think she might have even called me "the one that got away" at one point. My heart is so black and blue because I wanted her to want me SO bad for SO long. I couldn't stop going to Austin to see her on my own so I went to a doctor.

I told the doctor about my previous diagnosis and my current heart ache and she gave me perscriptions and orders to get councelling.

It's not working fast enough. I can still feel. I still love her and I still miss her.

On the 18th of August, Jessica and I had our one month anniversary. I was happy to take her out to celebrate. She's been by my side a lot lately and it's been absolutely wonderful. She makes me super happy and excited about life and the future. She also does extremely sweet things for me. Today when I came home from work, she had made my bed for me. The sheets were in the dryer. She offered to bring me a drink. She helps me whenever she can. We have this weird mutual honestly and transparent relationship. Earlier today I started to think about Billye and the past. I started to think about how I begged and pleaded with her back when I was trying to be her girl. A part of me missed looking into Billye's brown eyes and believing she loved me too.

I started to think of how I gave her a whole year to ask me back out and how she decided consciously that there were godd enough reasons for that to never happen.

I am certainly passed lamenting that situation. I hope in time that I stop missing her completely. I still remember what that spot behind her ear feels like. I still remember her jokes and smile.

I get teary eyed when I think about it because I was in love with her.

Thank goodness for pills. Sometimes I think pharmacuticals are evil. Other times I believe they are scientific works of genius. I was sad a moment or two ago, but whatever cocktail I just popped seems to be kicking in.

I love Jessica.... and am missing her so damn much.

Atmosphere... the "band" sucks

I actually feel awkward not having obligations for the day. I have a short to do list, but if I don't do anything, then that's fine for me today. My brain was hurting and giving up. Luckily Jessica was trying to be supportive of my endeavors. Hopefully I fared well.

I might even nap now.

I finished my 9 page book report on Buddha by Karen Arstrong. It was due today at 10 am. Unfortunately for me, I had a stomach ache/attack. I don't get them often. Today I was barely able to stand. I will stil submit my book report and take the late fee of 20 points. I have become quite apathetic about grades. All I really hope for in any class now is a C. Of course, I come out with A's and B's, but I never expect it. I, unfortunately, am living a grown up life so grades don't supercede working because I need to pay the bills. What a catch 22... maybe that is why financial aid increases year to year. It's encouraging to get a good set of grants and loans but it does paint a vivid picture for me of the women in the financial aid office saying out loud as they check my record "How many years have you been going here? That many? Here, take some cash and let's get your undergrad going." Financial aid is quite important to me because when I'm only getting 20 hours a week at work, I don't have to stress out. I want to pay my rent ahead for a few months. I need a new desktop computer so I can work from home. Jessica is letting me borrow her desk and her chair. It's quite awesome. I feel like my room has life with her items here.

Jessica has been an incredible and awesome girlfriend. She texts me to say hello and that she loves me. She comes over when she wants too and that is nice. I gave her a key so she can come get in bed with me if she wants to nap. Today I had a stomach ache and could only lay flat. Jessica was so attentive offering to help take care of me. I have never been in any relationship where I was taken care of when I am ill. She really is a blessing to have in my life. I may have said that before but it is so true. We are planning a long term future together. After I get my undergrad, I might go with her to Colorado. If not, I'll probably get my masters in public administration. Anyhow, I digress.

I am getting sleepy, so I believe I should get going.

I've been at work for about an hour now. It's one of those jobs where it's not *that* bad. The worst part is how ridiculous people treat me over the phone from time to time. I understand that I am a tech providing technical support, but that does not make me a customer service rep who has to take crap from people. I had a lady yelling at me Saturday morning to the point I had to tell her that there IS a protocol for recieving technical support and WE BOTH have to follow it if she is going to get any sort of help from technical support. She hated hearing that. I also warned her that if she is speaking over me, I can't tell and won't be able to hear her. I hope that my blunt but polite methods of dealing with people don't ever get me into too much trouble, but sometimes I don't know any better way to take control of a call where the customer wants a yelling match.

After my 3 hour shift this morning, I have class from 10 am to around 2 pm. I am part of a group that presents first today. Our presentation is in reference to obtaining a county job. As a group, we failed to work on it enough ahead of time. 3 out of the 5 of us met up yesterday to compile data to present. It does suck going first but someone has to. Why not get it done and just be done with it!

I have kind of a sore throat. I hope it is just because I haven't been getting enough sleep or resting well. I have been spending the night at Jessica's. I LOVE sleeping over at her place. Her nice big queen size bed allows for lots of snuggles and such.

When I dated Billye, I honestly believed that I coulda been her girl for life. I tried to show her that I loved her in soooo many different ways. I felt like giving up and eventually I did. After knowing Jessica for just a few weeks, she is SURE beyond a shadow of a doubt that she loves me and wants to be with me. She's not afraid of PDA. She can hang out with me and not take her moods out on me. She isn't perfect, but at the very least she cares about me and LOVES when I dote on her. I've never been rejected for a hug. I've never been forced to not touch her because her "dude" friends are around.

I guess I was just blind.

And thinking about the past makes me anry. Someday I'll be less pissed at Billye for not treating me right, but for now I'll focus the positive energy on my new relationship. I love my girlfriend so damn much. She's a sweetheart. I miss her even now. I'm such a cheeeeeeseball haha.

So today I took the second test in my Public Personelle class. I am hoping to pass the test because I didn't really study much. I am just starting a relationship with beamerdog and want to spend every minute with her. I will be making myself focus and work hard this summer session because I tend to suck at summer school. I'm also dealing with getting my hours cut at work, but a lot of people are. I'll be happy with 20 a week, but this 15 hours a week business is a little silly. My manager guy added a Saturday morning shift I get to work with Jessica beamerdog. Hopefully we let each other get enough sleep the night before.

My mom got me insurance today. I am relieved because I can't always count on the Texas State Student Health Center even though they are awesome. One day... in the far future, I will graduate and then what? I will need to be able to see doctors at times. Jonathan thinks he has major stomach issues and I have bladder issues, so yeah, insurance helps.

Anyhow I am losing focus on work stuff so I should wrap this up. I just want to close this entry with a thank God/Goddess/gods for Jessica. She's the sexiest most amazing woman and I've met my soulmate. I really just wish I were with her right this second.

I am having such a blast spending time with beamerdog. She is so awesome it's crazy. I'm trying to focus on school but it's sooooo hard.

We had our first official date. It was SO much fun. It was full of kissing and dancing and Italian food. We are official now. I have an incredibly hot girlfriend who is fun, sexy, and enough like myself so that I never get bored. Her friends are cool and she's definitely going to be around me for a long time

I love Jessica so much. I am so happy.

I make myself sick almost with how elated I am. Luck is a strange lady.

Today was the first day os Summer Session II and I made it to my Public Personelle class. It was not bad. I don't know how much I am going to want to deal with group work, but that is the unfortunate nature of being a Public Administration major. I will be dealing with the public and whatnot so I should get used to it now. No better time. I like the group members I have so far. I feel like we are all willing to work hard and all want A's in the class. The first test is Thursday.

After school, I bought the books for my classes and then headed over the Jessica's apartment. She was debating when to break up with her boyfriend. She knew she was going to do it, but wanted to do it face to face when she felt better. I guess it was making her annoyed to have to wait but she decided to ask him over to talk today and do the deed. She said it was really hard. He gave her back almost every gift she ever gave him including bday gifts and other gifts. He was actually acting a bit dramatic in her opinion. I guess losing a girl like Jessica is gonna make a person really upset in the end. I know if I lose her some day, I will probably be broken up about it. She's not a regular girl.

I really think I've known her a lot longer than I really have. I feel like she matches me in so many ways and in others, balances me out. She is gorgeous and amazing and I will ask her to be my gf on our first date which we are trying to decide when to go on. I've been looking forward to being with her for what seems like forever. Now we are just that much more close to being in a relationship.

Fuck n*ggas that didn't know what I was worth.

So at 10 am I have class. I am in summer session II. I haven't done well in summer school ever, so I am challening myself to actually go and do the work. I am also going to use the hell out of the rec center. I can't stand jogging outside because it's hot and then they have sprinklers going off so you have to guard your iPod. It's just not good. The rec has awesome treadmills with tvs on each one. I don't have cable so that's a definitely plus.

Work hasn't been where I'm shining lately. I've been adjusting to Lexapro and Klonopin so I've been sleeping a lot. I haven't been on time or there as much as I should be. I need to fix that for my own sense of pride and wellbeing. What's the point of getting help if the help makes worse problems? So the bottom line on work is that I will perfect the game again.

The part I've been dying to get to.... JESSICA....

We both feel like we met our soul mate. We hung out together today and talked for hours. We never get tired of listening to each other. When I call her babydoll, she says "YOUR babydoll." She and I plan to make things official very very soon. We are waiting until then to kiss or to have sex. Holding off on it has been SOOOO hard. Tonight I did kiss her neck and nibble her a little. She's like this angel with busted up wings and I want to help her fly again.

I love her so much. I don't know how I thought anything before this was love. Ha.

Jessica is still sick but I've been able to come over to her apartment and try to help her feel better. She says she is not used to people doing that for her. I find that to be shameful because she's such a giving person. Her boyfriend, soon to be ex I hope, told her that they were taking a "pause" until she sees the specialist. That means for 4 or 5 days, this girls boyfriend will be taking time to not give a damn about her. Jessica was in the ER 2 days ago and drove herself there. Since we just met recently, I don't think she's comfortable asking me for stuff like that. I really feel like she's been taken advantage of but it's not my place to say so.

I'm trying SO hard not to pressure her or push her to just get the break up done with. She dated him for nearly 2 years and that is a long time. She said that have reached the top of where they can go as a couple and that he doesn't really inspire her as sexually as he once may have. She also said that even if she had not met me, the way he is acting while she's ill is enough for her to have a "serious discussion" with him.

Hopefully they make a clean and amicable break because I am tired of holding back. We have this mutual thing for each other and I NEED to find out where it goes. I am tortured!

Last night I decided to do a Full Moon Ritual on my balcony. I have not done any Wicca or magick in about 10 years or so. Last time I did a ceremony, I drew down the moon and called the Guardians of the Watchtower. I thought I was being a bad ass. Well, the athame I had snapped into two. And I was afraid to practice magick as a ritual ever since. I am a Jew/Wiccan and I don't feel like breaking down to anyone right now how that works. If you are not familliar with how some parts of Judaism come from Paganism, then you probably need to research that on your own.

That's besides the point. Last night, Samantha and I planned a ritual to ask for protection for us and our families, to ask for luck, and to give thanks to the Goddess. It was an amazing experience and I felt supernatural presenses. It was the first time Samantha had taken part in a Wiccan ritual but she really felt that it calmed her and settled her and made her feel good. I am hoping that the books I lent her help her to find some peace. Her life hasn't been very easy for her lately. She totaled her car by flipping it several times. I offered to help her out getting to work and such.

On a separate topic, I f*cking miss Jessica. She has been sick for a few days now. We hung out briefly yesterday but I didn't get to see her today at all. I feel really bad she hasn't felt well. I tried to help her out by bringing her some stomach medication and soup.

We have been talking about dating. We both agreed that as soon as she sorts out breaking up with her boyfriend that she and I will do things the right way. She and I will start our relationship on the right foot. I haven't rushed her or pressured her to make a choice or to even be with me. I would be okay being just friends if that's what she wanted. She's made it clear that is not what she wants. She said she wants to be mine.

I trust her fully. I love her so much. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

The girl I wrote about in the previous entry, her name is Jessica. I can't stop thinking about her. We were supposed to hang out earlier tonight but I went to sleep for a nap. I didnt wake up until like 1:22 am. Some nap haha... 7 hours long. I'm still getting used to the meds I am taking, so my sleep patterns are jacked up. Add cramping to it and... yuck.

I slept through her calling twice and texting three or four times. She ordered pizza and wanted me to come share it with her. She said in a text that she was missing me and totally pouting.

We are both Sagittarians. She is on the cusp of Capricorn but neither of us see any of those traits being displayed. I know I have some Capricorn traits for sure. I can cut people out of my life if needed. I love money. I also can be very goal focused.

But back to Jessica. She works with me and for a while she would sit next to me. I started noticing a higher frequency of it and then I started to pay attention to her. She is just a trainee but she handles people SO well. She never gets frustrated noticably. When I am wrong, she has on occasion pointed out to me something I missed or didn't know. She was assertive with me and by about the second month, I introduced myself and she introduced herself.

After talking to her, I come to find out she is best friends with a good friend of mine, Jenepher. In fact, Jessica has driven Jen to my apartment before to drop her off. That was the mild coninicidence.

The silimiarities and likenesses are mind blowing. We hung out a couple of times at her apartment and smoked out. We talked about hundreds of different topics from ergot poisoning to animal rescue to Wicca to our sourdid pasts. I LOVE listening to her talk. I love taking it every detail of what she says. When I speak, she listens and interjects. Our conversations are the best. There's not even long enough for a short silence to check what we're missing on TV.

I love this girl. Even if we stay best friends and that is the culmination of our relationship, that is okay by me.

She does return the flirting though. I would love to make out with her.... that might be the thought I go back to bed on.

OMG so I know these entries seem like... so weird back to back. I was dating a girl named Candice but she hasn't called lately and I don't think that's gonna work.

But right now I am soooo distracted. I am sitting next to a girl at work that I have a HUGE crush on. She is all kinds of awesome I can't even describe. The more I get to know her, the more I love her. Yes, love is a strong word, but we feel like we have been friends since a previous life.

She is beautiful. She is taken. But she's my friend and I'm lucky.

Most other sites I love are blocked here at work. It's not as bad at the call center I work at Monday through Friday. I can at least get to LJ and entertain myself with my friends' rantings, ravings, and quips. Today is a rather slow day so far. It's around 10 am and they are already sending people home due to the idle queue. A lot of people are vying for hours though, so I am not sure how many takers they will get. I know I am only scheduled until 11 am and I said fuck a whole lot of that. I'm staying extra because I need to make up the hours. I missed work Monday and Tuesday to go to the doctor. I am starting a regimen of treatment for anxiety. Luckily my job has been understanding about it for the most part.

I'm sort of hungry but it's a distant and easy to ignore hunger. I will have to start getting energy going early on because my new daily goal is to jog/walk 1.5 miles. I started last night. It was.... rather nice. I was alone, just me and the track and Billye's iPod. I filled it full of good music and pounded that gravel.

I really want to get healthy and I have wanted to for a long time. When you are pushing 30 years old, you have to stop blaming your parents or other people for your set backs. At some point, it becomes necessary to take responsibility for one's own life. Perhaps now is no better time.

I met someone new. Her name is Candice. She lives in San Antonio. We had been talking for a few weeks online and on the phone and I finally decided that it was time to go meet her. I drove down to where she lives a couple days ago and got to spend time with her in person. It was rather amazing. I met her mom, sisters, cousin, and friends. We grilled at her house. She has a pool in her backyard and we all just had a great time.

We like each other a lot. I don't know like... what it all "means." In fact, I'm not going to overthink it. We talked about being girlfriends yesterday and we are going to try it out. I'm not stressed about it because I just met her and I am still getting to know her. I'm not expecting anything from the situation.

I'll post more about Candice soon. It's all still surreal to me. I really missed the affection and the sweet words. I really missed be loved on. <3