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MADD-ness

Long distance relationships are usually difficult from what I have read, heard, and experienced personally. My boyfriend lives 951 miles away from me. He made the long drive to Houston last summer. After a torturous half a year, he flew me to Iowa. Once the trip was confirmed, I bought some warm clothing and prepared for the trip. I was a bit apprehensive at first because in the ten years of 'knowing' each other, we have spent less than 2 weeks in person together. To be at the mercy of someone else brings me a certain amount of anxiety. When I saw Madd at the end of the airport corridor, my stomach flip-flopped and I felt light headed. Once we were embracing, I realized that I was actually very nervous. I cannot pinpoint the exact reason I was nervous upon reuniting. After I got over the initial shock of being in the arms of my super attractive boyfriend, I pulled away and was introduced to his son. His adorable three year old is named Jarin. He is the sweetest child I have ever met. He kept giving me hugs and kisses and he said he loved me. At times he was super active and it overwhelmed me, but I give credit to the child for being smart and clever. Or maybe I am just really gullible. ::shakes head:: I miss him and will be very excited to see him again soon. Just because it was a lot to learn in a short time does not mean I have any less capacity for loving and learning patience. Any parent would be lucky to have a child like Jarin. Madd and Jarin's mom work very hard to take the best possible care of him. I respect them for being able to handle the situation in a positive way.

My emotions became very charged about three days into the visit. From that point on, my perceptions became a mental reality. I perceived and formulated ideas that are subjective and therefor, fatally flawed. I may see an action and misperceive its meaning, as I have done many times before. At the end of the day, I know certain truths. Madd is my boyfriend and he has allowed me to drop the nasty 'break-up' word more than once and take it back. It is quite embarrassing that my brain seeks to avoid emotional risk to the point of running from what is great in my life. Madd and I have differing but often perpendicular senses of humor. It would brought to my attention that I was not accepting the sense of humor and therefor not accepting the essence of Madd, himself. When I realized that his brand of funny is actually intrinsically who he is, it all became clear to me that I have an opportunity to appreciate something outside what I am used to. Yes, at the time, I acted the opposite, but these thoughts have been whirling in my head ever since.

A comment was made to me that perhaps taking care of Jarin would deter me from wanting to spend the rest of my life with Madd. I also realized at this point that I was giving off the impression that I had disdain for the child or the relationship of the father and child. I should have spent more time observing and interacting than being introspective. I should have been more supportive and outgoing. I rate myself a D+ for the way I behaved in regards to handling a child, being objective, and expressing how much I am in love with Madd. 2 and a half weeks of in real life time is not enough for adjust and then demonstrate proper socially adjusted behavior. I am glad that, in the end, Madd and I still want to be together. I have plans to see him for spring break in March. I frickin miss him right now though.

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