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getting things done

I have felt pretty helpless since coming back home. It has been less than 24 hours and I see how dire the situation is. My father keeps promising to fix the fuel pump issue with the car I drive, but he has broken that promise for well over three weeks now. I have not been able to drive much and now school has started and I have to go to court. In order to get my legal issues under control, I absolutely must work. I had a nightmare about getting rejected from applying somewhere to work based on those legal issues. I have to understand that rejection is a part of life. I will have to get out there and try to get a job, bottom line.

Tomorrow I will rent a car for the week, have the Explorer towed to a repair shop or the dealership (going to call around for pricing) and have the fuel pump secured, get my brother a used tire to replace the one that doesn't work, go pay my warrant (failure to appear for a traffic violation), go buy my text books, go to class, talk to my professors about the days I missed last week while I was in Iowa, and spend at least 30 minutes cleaning my room. Yes, the list may seem formidable, but not accomplishing these things will make me unhappy. Luckily for me, I am able to use some of my grants I get for school on living expenses. I am also planning to drive to Iowa in March to see my boyfriend again. I am considering renting a car for the trip due to the inefficiency of the gas mileage in my V-8 SUV from 1998. Yes, I drive one of the arms of the devil himself. The other arm is a Hummer. I really dislike how much gas it guzzles, but I didn't buy it so I can't be too upset over it. What I need to do is save up some money and buy my own car. I am thinking of looking for a 2007 Toyota. When I move to Iowa (pending an engagement which has not taken place), I would really like to already have purchased my car and have a job lined up which will suit my degree after graduation.

Yes, I just referred to something which hasn't really been addressed by myself to my boyfriend other than once a while ago. My preferred order to life would go as noted ahead: 1. graduate college in December or at the latest, next May 2. by the time I graduate, I would like to be engaged so that I can move in with Madd. 3. Why should I be engaged before I move to Iowa? Madd is the reason I am moving there and I would like to have a long term plan with includes marriage. If he or I are not serious about marriage, I have no reason to relocate my entire life. We already speak of marriage and children, so surely within the next year, we should be ready to take that step if we are meant to be together. 4. move to Iowa, start working, begin to put together a date to marry, 5. after a couple of years of marriage, have first child with Madd.

Of course, one cannot make plans and expect them all to work out. The previous list is an ideal list. If any part of it scares Madd, I hope he will address it so that we can be on the same page. I am in love with Madd, so making these life long decisions are easier than I thought they would be. I am excited for my future. I am excited to marry one of my best friends. I believe a person's heart is like a puzzle. The heart can connect with other pieces that are a certain way. No piece is perfectly smooth or even and each piece is different. I believe that Madd and I are like connecting puzzle pieces. Of course there are probably others who would fit as well or more snug, but I hope never to find out. I am perfectly contented being with Madd even if we are still adjusting to each other. Unlike with other people I have dated, he and I don't make many personal attacks. I know we each said a couple of unfair things, but what is important is forgiveness and the attempt to move to deeper acceptance and a common ground. I know I can have emotional freak outs, especially because of how much is at stake. The last time I fell for someone, it was Billye and she ended up kicking my heart around until it broke into many cold pieces. To punish Madd or anyone else for my difficult break up would be entirely unjust. I still have a lot of maturing to do but I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was a year ago. By next year, I hope to say the same.