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De-complicate

Well, if I could be less complicated, I would be. Sometimes I cannot handle how complex I am. People, including myself, have noticed that I can being self-contradictory and obviously dealing with mental juxtaposition. I have always had the ability to 'be' more than one person at a time. I can identify with the many sides there are to people, places, ideas, objects, and notions. Just as I can produce great mounds of empathy, I can also produce hypocrisy and confusion. I can perpetuate happiness and I can bleed depression. I can be unstable and often am. Somehow I am arrogant and I have low self esteem. I am metacognitive and aloof. I am opened minded and stubborn!

Although I like myself and amuse myself and I know what I am good at, I don't expect other people to see who I really am. When I was in high school, I got pissed off at my friends for not really knowing me but it's not like they didn't put in the time or effort. I used every defense mechanism in the book to keep myself guarded. I decided to trust someone but our friendship turned toxic. The friendship became so toxic that I will be paying for it for years to come. My legal entanglements are a direct result of staying in the friendship until it literally came to an abrupt end. At the end of the friendship, I also had become the girlfriend of someone who ended up not being able to handle me. I don't blame the other party completely because I seem kind of cool before the tax and the tip. Once the check is itemized, all the flaws are magnified and examined.

My inner fuzzy child/kitten/innocence was stomped on twice in the past 3 years when I spent almost my whole life trying to keep that from happening. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for being myself. I wasted a lot of time trying to be someone else for my exroommate and my exgirlfriend. Being accepted is so important. Accepting myself was the first step to understanding why relationships didn't work out for me. Learning that others deserve to be accepted as well is easier said than done. I can say all day long that I accept someone but that means that their emotions, words, jokes, expressions, concerns, and friends are accepted as well. It's a large dose to take if a person is like me... someone who is arrogant, selfish, self-centered, stubborn, and unstable. If I can swallow all of the details, I can see myself having a better relationship with my boyfriend.

'Let's love ourselves and we can't fail to make a better situation' - Lauryn Hill

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(Anonymous)
Feb. 15th, 2011 01:16 am (UTC)
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