?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I am trying to find a reason to keep going. I am having severe issues right now. My Facebook was hacked along with my phone, and 2 computers. The whole process was traumatising. Before the hackers set in, I found that I have huge issues to work out with Madd. It feels like he can change into someone that becomes a battering ram when he feels he is being treated unfairly. I am kind of sick still from the situation even though we worked it out. I don't want to attach myself to someone unless I am completely comfortable. I never set out with the intentions of unfairness of vindictiveness when it comes to Madd. I love him so completely that my mental capacity for hurting him isn't present. I don't know if he understands me when I say that I love him with my whole entire being. I feel like those are just words to some people. To me, I look at him and see quirks and flaws that I cherish. When I talk to him, sometimes his defensive stance keeps me from the comforting I really need. If I am wrong and he did not mean what I think he meant, I can be sorry but I am still also needing some love and kindness. I feel so down and out after the hacker thing. I don't know which correspondance was from a person and which ones were just made by the hackers. I know one email that was sent to me was not fake. The email I was sent by Madd still represents how he deals with me. The email showed that he thought I was imposing a double standard in which I do not know where he got it from. I simply feel like crap. I feel misunderstood, underappreciated... and wondering if Madd deserves me. I always have to weigh if keeping my love for me or someone else is more productive than trying to make things work. I can send back the ring... but I can't retract my heart. I have a lot of thinking to do.