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May. 10th, 2011

I love Madd. A lot. More than I knew I would. I love Madd in a way I did not know existed before. I thought that I knew my boundaries concerning how much of myself I reveal. The skeleton closet sometimes stacks the bones into a mighty high wall. Well, if I look back on the past, the pattern is to divulge more to Madd than to people in day to day life because this man in IOWA was less transient to me than people I have known longer than him (a decade or so). Since the birth of the internet relationship he and I share, Madd has been consistent. He does not lie. He is always upbeat even if something is bothering him. Now, if he and I are not balanced, he can be scathing. I can be scathing. Madd and I sometimes do not realize how we feel or why until after the emotionally charged statements are put forth. I do not have faith in astrology but I believe people with similar birthdays are prone to be similar in ways. The possibility Madd and I are similar or understand each due to similarities in lunar pull on liquids on Earth... anyhow the bottom line is that we usually come to agree about things at some point and usually I apologize for being a bitch or an asshole or mean. Sometimes I did not intend to be a jerk, but intentions are only met with commendation at the door of implementation. Action.

Action is something I am totally not getting any of at all unless manual mode counts which it should. Going without pleasure from myself even if I am getting pleasure with another/others makes me angst-ridden. I have gone six months before since starting to "date." Now I am going on two months. At the end of May, I expect to have some understanding of how long I will be expected to stay in Texas. I want to move into my home so damn bad!!! I want to start being with the person I am in love with. Being restricted is frustrating.

Frustrating. The heat in May should not get into the mid 90's. Global warming be damned. My great-grandparents' generation rolled out and paved the way for 1. people to live in climatically-challenged places 2. the Earth to warm, water to be used up, and resources to be stripped bare without apology. People below the Equator may not hold as much responsibility for the overused and dirty Earth we have today, but perhaps that is because the Anglo-Aryans gutted the ability of non-white people by allowing corruption and poverty to fester right next door in neighboring countries. Basically, all people are screwed and no one should live somewhere that they have to use air-conditioning 360 days of the year.

Year. By this time next year, I hope to be settled in already and living about 1,000 miles north of here. Texans, drive your Hummers, live in suburbs without mass transit, dump in water, and kill animals like you been doing and don't notice me slip out the door. Now some places are much much less appealing than Texas. Okay.... Siberia. New Jersey, Utah, Afghanistan. Libya, Florida, Peru, Columbia, Kenya, Detroit. Ew Detroit is a piece of crap and needs to be "pillaged" and "razed." Stricken from existence.

Existing. I feel that I am just existing to get to go and leave. I need a to do list. Being engagement-giddy is only acceptable for a few months, right? Oh yes, and I love Jarin. Love for my new family only gets bigger and stronger. Ugh I am grossed out with me.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Jun. 30th, 2011 06:47 am (UTC)
i agree
What do you mean?
alienesse
Jun. 30th, 2011 09:25 am (UTC)
huh?
In regards to?
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )