?

Log in

brain drain

I am uncomfortable. It is mid-December and I am sweaty. My window is open but it is probably colder in my room than outside. Every year I keep hoping for a long wet winter but I get shafted. There was nothing sexual in the previous sentence so minds, outta the gutter!

Besides the unseasonably warm and dry weather, I have a recurring headache. I tried giving myself a small neck massage, but it didn't help.

Something is not quite right.

mistakes

In life, there is a lot to love and a lot to be enjoyed. I find myself focusing on the problems I have and feeling a sense of hopelessness and remorse. I have felt this way for many years. I figured that with each accomplishment, I would feel even better about myself and about life. Even as I sit here with legal problems looming over my head and impeding my progress, I can't help but think that accomplishments and character mean nothing when it comes to making mistakes. A person can lose all they have with a mistake. For example, Enron was using short term investor's money for long term investments and then doctored their paperwork. The CEO died of a heart attack before he could face a jury. One minute this man is running the commerce of Houston and the next, he's headed to a federal prison on fraud charges. Collectively, the company made many mistakes and lead to its collapse.

I made the mistake of remaining friends and roommates with someone who has been known for habitually lying and getting involved in what is dangerous. I felt that with each promise from her, she would be closer to being an honest person who strives to live a healthy life. I made the mistake of opening her locked room door with an object that the police consider a deadly weapon. While I was panicking over why I could get no response from a known drug dealer/addict, I flipped out and busted into her door any way possible. People think my actions were in line with malevolent intent, but I had 10 years of living with her and have tried to be a good friend and positive influence. I definitely don't have a halo, but I tried not to walk the tight rope that she's clinging to so desperately.

Now that the psycho is mostly out of my life, I can concentrate on making a better life for myself. I always thought I would end up in a cubicle or some other jail-esque job, but I am starting to rethink my life. I really don't like having to work for someone else, so I am thinking about becoming a masseuse and opening a private practice some day. All after I get my Bachelors, of course.

I'm just trying to move on from a decade of mistakes. The past is over, it cannot change, but I can.

29

I fucking hate getting older. I fucking hate how commercial holidays have become. I approached my birthday with the idea that I would not celebrate it. I approached Hannukah that way and I am approaching Christmas and the New Year without hope as well. I expect nothing from anyone. I didn't expect anything from my parents or grandparents. I didn't expect any friends to notice. I was very surprised to find thoughtful gifts from Madd in my house today. I love him so much and I know that he might be able to help me heal the pain of depressing holiday seasons. I used to love the winter time but for the last half of my life, the joy is lost.

I am lucky for what and who I do have. Pity parties are completely unattractive.

I still fucking hate how birthdays add age and expectations only to leave much possibility for sadness.
Today is an average day. I am at home in the break between having dropped off Oma at the salon and going to pick her up. When I got home a few minutes ago, my father said something to me that struck a huge, throbbing, black and blue exposed nerve. Everyday this truth confronts me. From the way I don't make my bed anymore to the way I don't care about my classes, my standard for accomplishment has dropped.

My father said that I used to be very ambitious and hold a higher standard for myself and things I want to do. Someone, please remind my father that I was promised a college education by his parents which was revoked after 1 semester. When I had to move out on my own and struggle as a 19 year old to make ends meet, I had a utilitarian purpose for Dena becoming my roommate. Splitting rent and sharing gas and a car (mine) seemed like a great idea. It is my fault that I remained Dena's roommate after we grew apart. At some point in Austin, she started to see me as a problem in her life. She only become honest with me about not wanting to be roommates last year. In fact, every time it came around to signing a lease, she would carry on and cry and beg until I signed it too. Each lease came with promises of her not compulsively lying to me and her quitting drugs.

While I am managing a living situation that is difficult, I was trying to succeed at my job. I was a great help desk tech and I was having a productive time working from my apartment. I would say that my resume is eye catching because I've worked in technology, hospitality, and other useful fields. When all hell broke loose in March and I quit my job and moved to my parents' house, all sense of achievement had to be planned differently.

I'm going through some legal situations stemming from Dena giving a false police report in hopes to keep the police out of her room, which had many different illegal drugs everywhere. I got arrested but the police still searched her room and found felony grade drugs in her room. She ended up incriminating herself as she acted out of spite. This is all verifiable on the Hays county web page, so I'm not sharing anything that you could not look up for yourself. Unfortunately, my record shows an arrest for assault and some of the drugs that were Dena's.

I am in the middle of trying to prove my character to the DA so I can lower my charges or get them dropped (if I am VERY lucky). My standards have changed because my circumstance has called for it. Right now I am driven to get my name cleared because that is what counts in the long run. I am not as driven to get a job or get all A's as I am to right my record. I am reaching out to people that knew me in high school and since. Some people who I used to be close with are saying they will not attest to my character. I suppose this is a good time to weed out people that say they are your friend but actually are not. The positive side of asking people for a character statement is that it is bringing old friends back into my life. I need friends. I have been friendless for quite a few months now and it's not all great. Sims 3 only entertains me so much.

I blame my parents for telling me that I can do or be whatever I want. That's a lie bigger than the one about Santa. My Dad just texted my phone that I am the smartest person he knows. He needs to expand his circle of pals if that is true.

Society fails the person sometimes. In my case, society can redeem itself and judge my actions in a proportional way and punish me for what I did do and not what someone said I did. What I did do was open a locked door with a knife. What I did not do was threaten anyone with it. I have saved Dena from overdosing multiple times, so even if she was angry with me and I her, I didn't want her to die. I didn't want her to have a heart attack because I was kicking out my exgirlfriend for cheating. Everything was upside down... but I do not think I am accused fairly. Society is not supposed to fail me like this.

There's a chance that the court will see I am not who the police make me out to be. Again, if I am lucky.

I wouldn't say my standard has changed. I would say that my grip on reality is a bit stronger and I changed my attitude accordingly. How am I going to dream big when in such a state of limbo? What more can I do than correct the horrors I've been through in 2010? I used to never listen to my Dad. Why did I start?

impulsive behavior

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about Billye. Usually, I think of her when I see something on TV I know she likes. When I heard All I Need today (Method Man and Mary J. Blige), I really started going through the rolodex of memories from dating her. I loved her so much. So so so so so so so so so much.

I still feel like she has a part of my heart and I'll never be a complete person again. Apparently I still have emotions regarding her. I wouldn't have tears running down my face if I didn't.

Does that mean I want to be back with her? Does that mean I am less than happy with my current relationship?

No and hell the fuck no.

I just don't know how to file Billye in the past since I think about her so much. I wish I could control my brain.
When I logged onto Facebook today, I was immediately asked if I voted today for a poll. If you step into a booth and close a curtain to do something, it should be considered private. Local politics are the most important in my opinion. People are selecting their county officials and their city officials. The Presidential Election really shouldn't matter more than the local election does. The President has influence over Congress and Senate but the President doesn't come up with the laws, put laws into place, or interpret them. It is strategic to have a figurehead instead of an all-powerful President. If the President decided one day to take a space ship to the moon and not tell anyone, the control would shift slightly, but nothing major would change.

When you have Democrat judge voted off the seat because someone is doing a straight ticket for Republican, that can cause more convictions with larger sentences and more tax money to the jailing of citizens. Of course, it does not always going to end up so simply.

All I am asking for is Facebook to shove itself up its ass.

Love

I have been in the mental state of love before. As with Billye, I genuinely loved her and would have moved somewhere women can marry each other. When people ask me about being bi, I try to explain that I get to know and love the person so the looks and gender aren't a big factor. I haven't always known what Madd looks like. I think it was the advent of Mypsace and his personal web site were the first places I had gotten to glimpse at what Madd looks like. Much to my chagrin, he looks like he described himself. I find him to be very physically attractive. I have already found him mentally attractive for many many years. Right now my tentative plans are to finish school, move to Iowa to be with Madd, pursue a career, have kids... a couple cats. I love Madd. I love him because he is beautiful when he is vulnerable. I love Madd because he is emotionally accessible and loves unconditionally. I very much hope that my plans will work out. If not, then I am sure I'll get back to the drawing board. At this point, I want to be with Madd forever and I am excited to see him again.

Tags:

in love.

Madd has been visiting me here in Houston for the last week and couple days. As previously mentioned, we decided to hang out after 9 years of talking. He asked me to be his girlfriend in July. He and I have had out communication issues and conflict of reasoning in the past. Somehow, we managed to continue to build a friendship. He and I have both lived through a lot of changes since we met online. When we met in person, I was overwhelmed. I saw before me the living, breathing, blue-eyed man that I had been sharing my deepest secrets with. I am extremely attracted to Madd. Sometimes we tell each other how complete we feel with each other. I find Madd to be very kind, forgiving, understanding, and patient.

I miss him already.

About Madd

I have an entry that is long overdue. I have mentioned Madd before but haven't really used tags until recently. Over the years, we have given each other comments and followed each other's lives. Sometimes we talked more than others. Occasionally, he and I are single at the same time and we get flirtatious. Madd was not exactly single when we started talking again heavily at the end of July. He was trying to make a relationship work that ended up not working independent of me.

I had just broken up with Jess a few months before that so I had resolved to take time out to straighten my mind out. I was adjusting to living under someone else's roof and being dependent on someone else. I also am adjusting to my mom and dad and grandparents needing me as well. I've been living for nearly a decade as my own person. During part of that time, I dated Billye. I fell in love with her but my love was not good enough. Sometimes I let that feeling that I don't deserve love to get in the way of other emotions.

When Madd says some things to me, it can make me feel angry or annoyed at times because of the fact I am prone to taking things out of context right now. I mentioned that Madd asked me out before meeting me right after I told him I don't date in those terms. I said yes. Madd showed hurt that I didn't immediately see he was offering me something I was starved for. He was offering me pure love. The kind of love that doesn't make demands in return. Sometimes I thought he was coming off as condescending but I do understand how people from call center jobs speak. We take control of conversations sometimes because at work, performance depends on getting through a bulk of calls.

Madd and I cleared things up between each other but I didn't come onto Live Journal and retract my statements. I don't believe in erasing them. I believe in saying I was wrong. I believe in saying I love Madd very very much.

When I hurt his feelings today, I was sad too. I didn't want him to hurt and wished I could have hugged the pain away. I know when he visits, I will be attached to him like a panda on bamboo.

Madd, I love you!!!
I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to calm myself. I am so angry that I am doing breathing exercises just to function. My family does not understand that I have a breaking point and one of several things happen when I am pushed to my breaking point. Usually I start crying because I can feel the angry rage raise up in my heart and mind. Feeling rage makes me panic. Tonight the rage lead to a panic attack that I am attempting to write through. When someone pushes me to the level of anger that causes rage, I have to divide my focus. The energy it requires to suppress rage is absolutely amazing. So between crying and turning rage back into energy I can use to function and stand up for myself verbally, I feel faint.

This morning, I awoke to my brother putting dirty laundry and a vacuum in front of my door. I do all of my laundry separately, so the laundry was no mine. The vacuum is an appliance that was upstairs when I moved in and I use it to clean my room. My 24 year old brother was playing a game of throwing the laundry in front of my door and the vacuum in my way as well. He also has the modem/router for the cable and internet installed in his room. His room has a lock installed that no one has a key for except for him. When he wants to control me or show me he is angry, he will turn off my tv and internet services. He does not pay any part of any bill.

Having the cradle of control sit outside my fair reach enrages me. In 2 days, he has turned off my services twice. Do I hate my brother... if I were capable of hating him, I would. Right now, I am capable of wanting to kick his ass a good one like a big sister should. He hasn't gotten into a physical fight with me since I was a teenager. I won every fight because I am 4.5 years older than him. Now that he and I are both in our 20's, a fight would be a little more even.

Fighting is against the law. When I feel rage and want to kick his ass, I can't go do it like I used to. This morning, I warned my parents that I have really deep seated issues with someone trying to control me. I expressed that my brother is trying to control me and that I needed their help in diffusing a possible fight. My mother and father spanked me as a child. I only have 30% hearing in my left ear because my mother smacked me and it popped my ear drum. My father has punched me in the face before. I do not approve of violence, but when confronted, 'fight' is instinctual... as oppose to 'flight.' I am trying to change my ways because fighting is barbaric. Adults should be able to have a logical conversations and come to compromises. My brother starts to scream and become violent. He is obese so he thinks he is powerful.

He is asking for an ass whupping, big sister style. I just really want to avoid getting in trouble or creating hospital bills for him. I am doing my best, I really am. I have a psychiatrist appointment in 2 days. I am going to talk about panic disorder and see what he thinks. *sigh*