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Wow, a walk down memory super highway

I'm reading entries of mine from the past. I've gone through so much melodrama. I've used LJ on and off for over 10 years. This isn't all that popular of a blog spot, but it's what I call home for where I write notes to myself and the world in general. I believe that I keep trying to send future me a message. I feel like I was telling my future self to appreciate the moment because each one is temporary. It was a good idea for me to express my thoughts and emotions in words because now I have an archive. I don't have to rely on memories which become distorted when I have access to my accounts first hand and in a voice I can trust and recognize. At the very least, I am entertaining myself. Wow, I sure am a whiny twat at times. I had it SO easy compared to now and I'm 100 times happier!

Lesson learned. I should not abandon you again, my livejournal <3 You may be the least popular place online, but I still love you.


May. 10th, 2011

I love Madd. A lot. More than I knew I would. I love Madd in a way I did not know existed before. I thought that I knew my boundaries concerning how much of myself I reveal. The skeleton closet sometimes stacks the bones into a mighty high wall. Well, if I look back on the past, the pattern is to divulge more to Madd than to people in day to day life because this man in IOWA was less transient to me than people I have known longer than him (a decade or so). Since the birth of the internet relationship he and I share, Madd has been consistent. He does not lie. He is always upbeat even if something is bothering him. Now, if he and I are not balanced, he can be scathing. I can be scathing. Madd and I sometimes do not realize how we feel or why until after the emotionally charged statements are put forth. I do not have faith in astrology but I believe people with similar birthdays are prone to be similar in ways. The possibility Madd and I are similar or understand each due to similarities in lunar pull on liquids on Earth... anyhow the bottom line is that we usually come to agree about things at some point and usually I apologize for being a bitch or an asshole or mean. Sometimes I did not intend to be a jerk, but intentions are only met with commendation at the door of implementation. Action.

Action is something I am totally not getting any of at all unless manual mode counts which it should. Going without pleasure from myself even if I am getting pleasure with another/others makes me angst-ridden. I have gone six months before since starting to "date." Now I am going on two months. At the end of May, I expect to have some understanding of how long I will be expected to stay in Texas. I want to move into my home so damn bad!!! I want to start being with the person I am in love with. Being restricted is frustrating.

Frustrating. The heat in May should not get into the mid 90's. Global warming be damned. My great-grandparents' generation rolled out and paved the way for 1. people to live in climatically-challenged places 2. the Earth to warm, water to be used up, and resources to be stripped bare without apology. People below the Equator may not hold as much responsibility for the overused and dirty Earth we have today, but perhaps that is because the Anglo-Aryans gutted the ability of non-white people by allowing corruption and poverty to fester right next door in neighboring countries. Basically, all people are screwed and no one should live somewhere that they have to use air-conditioning 360 days of the year.

Year. By this time next year, I hope to be settled in already and living about 1,000 miles north of here. Texans, drive your Hummers, live in suburbs without mass transit, dump in water, and kill animals like you been doing and don't notice me slip out the door. Now some places are much much less appealing than Texas. Okay.... Siberia. New Jersey, Utah, Afghanistan. Libya, Florida, Peru, Columbia, Kenya, Detroit. Ew Detroit is a piece of crap and needs to be "pillaged" and "razed." Stricken from existence.

Existing. I feel that I am just existing to get to go and leave. I need a to do list. Being engagement-giddy is only acceptable for a few months, right? Oh yes, and I love Jarin. Love for my new family only gets bigger and stronger. Ugh I am grossed out with me.
I am trying to find a reason to keep going. I am having severe issues right now. My Facebook was hacked along with my phone, and 2 computers. The whole process was traumatising. Before the hackers set in, I found that I have huge issues to work out with Madd. It feels like he can change into someone that becomes a battering ram when he feels he is being treated unfairly. I am kind of sick still from the situation even though we worked it out. I don't want to attach myself to someone unless I am completely comfortable. I never set out with the intentions of unfairness of vindictiveness when it comes to Madd. I love him so completely that my mental capacity for hurting him isn't present. I don't know if he understands me when I say that I love him with my whole entire being. I feel like those are just words to some people. To me, I look at him and see quirks and flaws that I cherish. When I talk to him, sometimes his defensive stance keeps me from the comforting I really need. If I am wrong and he did not mean what I think he meant, I can be sorry but I am still also needing some love and kindness. I feel so down and out after the hacker thing. I don't know which correspondance was from a person and which ones were just made by the hackers. I know one email that was sent to me was not fake. The email I was sent by Madd still represents how he deals with me. The email showed that he thought I was imposing a double standard in which I do not know where he got it from. I simply feel like crap. I feel misunderstood, underappreciated... and wondering if Madd deserves me. I always have to weigh if keeping my love for me or someone else is more productive than trying to make things work. I can send back the ring... but I can't retract my heart. I have a lot of thinking to do.


When I first joined Livejournal so many years ago, I would never have seen my life going the direction that it has. I should say I never would have expected to have the triumphs and tribulations that have cursed and blessed my adult life. I spend a lot of time writing in catharsis when something is wrong. I want to document what is going well.

On March 13, 2011, Madd Martin L. Kroeger proposed to me. I visited him in Des Moines for spring break. I immediately said 'of course' when he asked. It is overwhelming to be asked to spend the rest of my years at the side of this man. I get confused when I think about someone loving me enough to want to be with me and care for me. I am highly independent and being in love is changing me. I am still independent but when I share time with my fiance, I feel so elated. He and I can just be watching a tv show and I get a sense of overwhelming want. I want Madd in so many ways. If it were only physical, I wouldn't be writing about him, thinking about him, being in total love with him. When he and I first started speaking over AIM, his mind ensnared me. We did a lot of heated debating but the challenge kept me interested. He still challenges my brain and he still turns me on with words alone. I went to kereoke bars with him and he is an amazing singer. I just wanna frickin' melt when I hear his voice and see him emerced in the song. I have always had a thing for musically inclined people. *grrr* If he didn't ask me to marry him, I would be hoping he does. I am so glad he and I know what we want and are jumping in. We have both been through enough crap to recognize what is good and what is worth keeping.

Oh wow... I am at IHOP and my favorite song from 7th grade is playing. Crystal Waters "100% Pure Love." Something a little strange about hearing the lyrics as an adult. "I'll be your wish. I'll be your fantasy. I'll be your favorite dish." LOL!! I am sitting her cracking up.

Deep in Love

There once was a little girl named Nicole. She lived in grade school naive bliss. One year she was set to be a freshman at college. Immediately Nicole noticed that she was definitely the odd one out. Fellow class of 2000' graduates from Nicole's high school generally avoided and shunned her. Unfortunately, the people she was acquainted with were not connected socially for one reason or another. Nicole matched snobby with snobby and ended up in a new setting forced to meet new people. Nicole became friends with her roommate, her hall mates, some of her class mates, and even a professor. The trouble with new friends is that friendship can be superficial, at least at first.

Before college, Nicole had already been taking full advantage of the entertainment available at the very beginning of AOL dial up. I was particularly easy to engage people of random varieties with witty banter. After a few years, Nicole had quite a few contacts that she enjoyed instant messaging.

The second semester of freshman year, Nicole was first instant messaged by a man named Madd. Like all surprises worth the work, we did not immediately know we would grow to be such good friends. For months, he and Nicole spoke more and more and became considerably close. They seemed to debate many topics without always agreeing, but the stimulation of the brain became a turn on. She would get sexually stimulated by his replies and handling of her temperament, a coy and tricky female.

After a while, communication faded. Nicole kept loose track of what Madd was doing while they were not chatting regularly. Nicole saw he had a child and was in a relationship, so she checked him off the list of men I would flirt with. Oh, but Madd looked so deliciously hot that Nicole had to say something before eliminating the flirtatious behavior with him. She popped up with an instant message that told him she enjoying his sexy face. Almost at the very same moment, Nicole received a pop up with a similar greeting. She sat back, shocked, heart racing.

Madd and Nicole chatter on the instant message for some time and tried to catch up as much as possible. Ten years of being friends online leaves a lot to talk about.

Nicole began to imagine what Madd would feel like pressed against her, leaving no where to go but where he allowed.

And she shakes the beginning of a fantasy that will have to be continued later. Nicole misses her boyfriend, Madd, and is having trouble ignoring her deep desire for him.


Feb. 14th, 2011

Commercial holidays have always made me feel uneasy. The biggest one, being Christmas, made me feel anxious because I am not even supposed to partake in it because I am not Christian. I have spent year after year hearing about people's plans and traditions and gifts. I get to celebrate Hannukah, but there is something missing. Perhaps what is missing is what is brought to the table by the relationships between people. I don't recall feeling a sense of closeness at any of the Hannukah gatherings. For a couple of hours on one of the nights, we each get a gift and gift a gift to the different groups. My and and uncle would get one gift from me, one from them to me. One gift from my grandparents, one from me to them... and so on. On a good Hannukah, I would get 4 decent presents and spend a good 2 hours with my family. Over the past 10 years, the tradition has stopped. My grandparents light the menorah but there is no gathering. I get a check now which I am definitely not shrugging at. The holiday cheer has not ever blessed my life the way it seems to for others.

Once upon a time, my dad's mother took me to a Catholic service for Christmas and I felt a little spark inside me. I felt a sense of universal connection. It was as if my spirit were joining millions of others in hope, peace, and good wishes for mankind. People should always care about peace and good will towards man but sometimes, it slips the mind. Since people are justly and innately selfish, most of us simply do what we have to do to live a semi-decent life. Fortunately, most people can attain an acceptable lifestyle without harming too many others. When it comes to holiday spirit, people have a chance to reflect on the actions they have made and the intended and unintended consequences of those actions.

When it comes to the commercial aspect of the holidays, it is the magnifying glass on the emotions of being left out of the spiritual part of the holiday. Treating December 25th like it's just a day one cannot going shopping on is how I grew up. On good December 25th's, my immediate family would go eat at a Hunan restaurant with other people who have unconventional commercial holiday practices.

Retail businesses do not make a whole lot of money from myself or my immediate family. I don't typically travel over the holidays, I wait until after January 1st to do shopping for myself, and I don't buy too many gifts for other people. December 5th is my birthday so usually I make my Christmas list based on who gave me birthday gifts. I am not necessarily cheap, I just don't want to make people uncomfortable by gifting them and them not having put me on their gifting list. I just feel like the whole concept of it is a lot of pressure. I love to surprise people with thoughtful gifts but I usually pick a random days. The surprise seems more meaningful to me if it is 'just because.'

The holiday season is over. I have a little more than a half hour left of Valentine's Day. I haven't celebrated a lot of Valentine's Days. I used to really wish that I would get flowers and candy and presents from a hot boyfriend who just did all these things without anything in return. I blame Seventeen magazine and the fiction series Sweet Valley High. Moreso than Valentines Day, in high school, a girl had better have a huge, shiny, loud, expensive, long mum for Homecoming. I can remember being obviously single on the commercial holidays of Homecoming and Valentine's Day. Now that I am an adult, getting away without celebrating Valentine's Day is easier.

I do not have anything against the concept of Valentine's Day. What I do not enjoy is the pressure put on a couple to exchange gifts. Men have pressure to send a card or flowers or give gifts. Women only really want these things to blend into all the other women. Someone will always have a bigger bouquet or engagement rings or wedding, but traditions feel good to follow sometimes so that a person doesn't have to stick out. I don't really care about how I spent Valentine's Day because there is no one looking over my shoulder competing with me. I have no one to compare myself to, so there is no feeling of emptiness. I had the idea to go eat Japanese food with my brother. Even though I know that it is a night that a lot of people eat out, I wanted to have a new tradition. On commercial holidays I don't have much attachment to, I will take my brother out to eat. I think he and I both agreed on this without making any verbal statements. No more ruined holidays... now I have my own tradition of eating Japanese food with my brother. If he can't make it, oh well. It's just my bother so I don't have the tendency to read into his actions. I have come up with a way to not feel bad because I don't have a traditional plan to celebrate.

Over the coming months, I will be changing a lot of things that I am used to. I don't fear change. I know that with changes are opportunities for different outcomes. How I celebrate my commercial holidays in the future depends somewhat on the next few months. When I am undergoing state mandated treatment, I will journal every day the whole time. I want to have an ethnography of my experience. When it comes to psychiatric care, I already have a doctor. When it comes to drug addiction, I have already quit on my own. I feel like saying 'too little too late.' I know how to get help and help myself. I am not going to fight the flow. I will take note and observe. I want to have a career in psychology, more and more. I can at least say I have been through the things other people have to go through. Changes are coming but I can take it in a bit at a time. I don't think my life will even resemble itself come July.


Well, if I could be less complicated, I would be. Sometimes I cannot handle how complex I am. People, including myself, have noticed that I can being self-contradictory and obviously dealing with mental juxtaposition. I have always had the ability to 'be' more than one person at a time. I can identify with the many sides there are to people, places, ideas, objects, and notions. Just as I can produce great mounds of empathy, I can also produce hypocrisy and confusion. I can perpetuate happiness and I can bleed depression. I can be unstable and often am. Somehow I am arrogant and I have low self esteem. I am metacognitive and aloof. I am opened minded and stubborn!

Although I like myself and amuse myself and I know what I am good at, I don't expect other people to see who I really am. When I was in high school, I got pissed off at my friends for not really knowing me but it's not like they didn't put in the time or effort. I used every defense mechanism in the book to keep myself guarded. I decided to trust someone but our friendship turned toxic. The friendship became so toxic that I will be paying for it for years to come. My legal entanglements are a direct result of staying in the friendship until it literally came to an abrupt end. At the end of the friendship, I also had become the girlfriend of someone who ended up not being able to handle me. I don't blame the other party completely because I seem kind of cool before the tax and the tip. Once the check is itemized, all the flaws are magnified and examined.

My inner fuzzy child/kitten/innocence was stomped on twice in the past 3 years when I spent almost my whole life trying to keep that from happening. I spent a lot of time feeling bad for being myself. I wasted a lot of time trying to be someone else for my exroommate and my exgirlfriend. Being accepted is so important. Accepting myself was the first step to understanding why relationships didn't work out for me. Learning that others deserve to be accepted as well is easier said than done. I can say all day long that I accept someone but that means that their emotions, words, jokes, expressions, concerns, and friends are accepted as well. It's a large dose to take if a person is like me... someone who is arrogant, selfish, self-centered, stubborn, and unstable. If I can swallow all of the details, I can see myself having a better relationship with my boyfriend.

'Let's love ourselves and we can't fail to make a better situation' - Lauryn Hill

getting things done

I have felt pretty helpless since coming back home. It has been less than 24 hours and I see how dire the situation is. My father keeps promising to fix the fuel pump issue with the car I drive, but he has broken that promise for well over three weeks now. I have not been able to drive much and now school has started and I have to go to court. In order to get my legal issues under control, I absolutely must work. I had a nightmare about getting rejected from applying somewhere to work based on those legal issues. I have to understand that rejection is a part of life. I will have to get out there and try to get a job, bottom line.

Tomorrow I will rent a car for the week, have the Explorer towed to a repair shop or the dealership (going to call around for pricing) and have the fuel pump secured, get my brother a used tire to replace the one that doesn't work, go pay my warrant (failure to appear for a traffic violation), go buy my text books, go to class, talk to my professors about the days I missed last week while I was in Iowa, and spend at least 30 minutes cleaning my room. Yes, the list may seem formidable, but not accomplishing these things will make me unhappy. Luckily for me, I am able to use some of my grants I get for school on living expenses. I am also planning to drive to Iowa in March to see my boyfriend again. I am considering renting a car for the trip due to the inefficiency of the gas mileage in my V-8 SUV from 1998. Yes, I drive one of the arms of the devil himself. The other arm is a Hummer. I really dislike how much gas it guzzles, but I didn't buy it so I can't be too upset over it. What I need to do is save up some money and buy my own car. I am thinking of looking for a 2007 Toyota. When I move to Iowa (pending an engagement which has not taken place), I would really like to already have purchased my car and have a job lined up which will suit my degree after graduation.

Yes, I just referred to something which hasn't really been addressed by myself to my boyfriend other than once a while ago. My preferred order to life would go as noted ahead: 1. graduate college in December or at the latest, next May 2. by the time I graduate, I would like to be engaged so that I can move in with Madd. 3. Why should I be engaged before I move to Iowa? Madd is the reason I am moving there and I would like to have a long term plan with includes marriage. If he or I are not serious about marriage, I have no reason to relocate my entire life. We already speak of marriage and children, so surely within the next year, we should be ready to take that step if we are meant to be together. 4. move to Iowa, start working, begin to put together a date to marry, 5. after a couple of years of marriage, have first child with Madd.

Of course, one cannot make plans and expect them all to work out. The previous list is an ideal list. If any part of it scares Madd, I hope he will address it so that we can be on the same page. I am in love with Madd, so making these life long decisions are easier than I thought they would be. I am excited for my future. I am excited to marry one of my best friends. I believe a person's heart is like a puzzle. The heart can connect with other pieces that are a certain way. No piece is perfectly smooth or even and each piece is different. I believe that Madd and I are like connecting puzzle pieces. Of course there are probably others who would fit as well or more snug, but I hope never to find out. I am perfectly contented being with Madd even if we are still adjusting to each other. Unlike with other people I have dated, he and I don't make many personal attacks. I know we each said a couple of unfair things, but what is important is forgiveness and the attempt to move to deeper acceptance and a common ground. I know I can have emotional freak outs, especially because of how much is at stake. The last time I fell for someone, it was Billye and she ended up kicking my heart around until it broke into many cold pieces. To punish Madd or anyone else for my difficult break up would be entirely unjust. I still have a lot of maturing to do but I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was a year ago. By next year, I hope to say the same.


Long distance relationships are usually difficult from what I have read, heard, and experienced personally. My boyfriend lives 951 miles away from me. He made the long drive to Houston last summer. After a torturous half a year, he flew me to Iowa. Once the trip was confirmed, I bought some warm clothing and prepared for the trip. I was a bit apprehensive at first because in the ten years of 'knowing' each other, we have spent less than 2 weeks in person together. To be at the mercy of someone else brings me a certain amount of anxiety. When I saw Madd at the end of the airport corridor, my stomach flip-flopped and I felt light headed. Once we were embracing, I realized that I was actually very nervous. I cannot pinpoint the exact reason I was nervous upon reuniting. After I got over the initial shock of being in the arms of my super attractive boyfriend, I pulled away and was introduced to his son. His adorable three year old is named Jarin. He is the sweetest child I have ever met. He kept giving me hugs and kisses and he said he loved me. At times he was super active and it overwhelmed me, but I give credit to the child for being smart and clever. Or maybe I am just really gullible. ::shakes head:: I miss him and will be very excited to see him again soon. Just because it was a lot to learn in a short time does not mean I have any less capacity for loving and learning patience. Any parent would be lucky to have a child like Jarin. Madd and Jarin's mom work very hard to take the best possible care of him. I respect them for being able to handle the situation in a positive way.

My emotions became very charged about three days into the visit. From that point on, my perceptions became a mental reality. I perceived and formulated ideas that are subjective and therefor, fatally flawed. I may see an action and misperceive its meaning, as I have done many times before. At the end of the day, I know certain truths. Madd is my boyfriend and he has allowed me to drop the nasty 'break-up' word more than once and take it back. It is quite embarrassing that my brain seeks to avoid emotional risk to the point of running from what is great in my life. Madd and I have differing but often perpendicular senses of humor. It would brought to my attention that I was not accepting the sense of humor and therefor not accepting the essence of Madd, himself. When I realized that his brand of funny is actually intrinsically who he is, it all became clear to me that I have an opportunity to appreciate something outside what I am used to. Yes, at the time, I acted the opposite, but these thoughts have been whirling in my head ever since.

A comment was made to me that perhaps taking care of Jarin would deter me from wanting to spend the rest of my life with Madd. I also realized at this point that I was giving off the impression that I had disdain for the child or the relationship of the father and child. I should have spent more time observing and interacting than being introspective. I should have been more supportive and outgoing. I rate myself a D+ for the way I behaved in regards to handling a child, being objective, and expressing how much I am in love with Madd. 2 and a half weeks of in real life time is not enough for adjust and then demonstrate proper socially adjusted behavior. I am glad that, in the end, Madd and I still want to be together. I have plans to see him for spring break in March. I frickin miss him right now though.
Does it help if you all are right??
Does it make a difference if I crumble into nothing?
Everyone told me I would become less than I imagined possible....
Defiance was met with debilitating wisdom of those who have suffered for the sake of being alive.

Do we marry to not be alone?
Do we have kids to not be unloved?
Do we believe in fairy tales, religions, stories, and ideas because we are avoiding a horrible truth.
We all end up the same in the end.